Questions from Under the Hedge

Monday morning, the 18th of May, The Mayor called me Mr. Brand, and I said, yes, here I am. I was ready for hedgehog. In our garden, we have five hedgehogs now, and somehow they had become the important people of the house. The Mayor said they had questions for me, because hedgehogs want to understand humans. I thought, okay, this will be funny. But also, I tell you, it was not so easy. Hedgehog logic is small, but very sharp.

Our hedgehogs are happy. They have a nice house now, because we used wood boxes from the apple gardener. I made holes with the saw, from the back and from the front, so the hedgehogs can go inside. But we have a problem in Ottendorf. We have these big black birds, Rabenvögel, and also a magpie, eine Elster, nesting in a tree in our street. They come into the garden and eat the hedgehog food. So now we put the food out only late in the evening, but still the birds are clever. They fly in, look around, and think, aha, restaurant is open.

So we bought proper little doors, swing doors, for the food boxes. The first evening my wife was lying in the garden, watching and watching. The first hedgehog came. One round, two rounds, three rounds around the box. He could smell the food, but he did not understand where it was. Then he found the little door and pushed inside. After that the others learned it too. Now it is fine to watch because the new food box has a window, and we can look inside while the hedgehogs are eating.

At the weekend we had a friend visiting. We went to a restaurant, and afterwards, around 11 p.m., the hedgehogs were already there. Four grown-up people standing and watching hedgehogs eating. That is our nightlife now. The Mayor said we could make it a tourist attraction: visit Ralf’s hedgehogs when they eat. I said, yes, a new restaurant: Zum hungrigen Igel — The Hungry Hedgehog.

The Mayor said the five hedgehogs had sat down and made questions for humans. The first thing they wanted to know was why humans build such big houses but then sit mostly in one small kitchen. I had to say, no, we are not normal people. We do not sit in the kitchen. In our kitchen there is only my place. We eat in the winter garden, the conservatory. Our kitchen has no sitting place. But I dream of a new kitchen, with a cooking island in the middle of the room. That would be nice.

The hedgehog house is much simpler. It has a small floor and a door where rats cannot go inside. Then comes a kind of labyrinth. Only hedgehogs understand it. They go inside, eat in the big room, and there are bowls. In one bowl is dry food, Mehlwürmer, and Soldatenkäferlarven. Maybe three hedgehogs can eat in one room, but they do not sleep there. They sleep outside, in their own houses, somewhere in the garden. Hedgehog logic is easy: one room for food, one garden for life.

But we humans need more rooms. One room where I can talk with The Mayor and with the company. One room for sleeping. One kitchen. One bathroom for showering and brushing teeth. One big room to meet friends. A hedgehog would probably say, why? But for humans, this is normal.

Then the hedgehogs asked why I drink hot brown water every morning before I can speak nicely. That is easy. When you are sleepy, you drink hot brown water and then you are happy. You are not sleepy anymore. You are crazy, and you can make action. Coffee is brown water for humans. But not for hedgehogs. The Mayor asked if maybe we could give the hedgehogs a bowl of this brown water when they are awake at 11 p.m. I said no, no, they are already awake twenty-four hours. That is not good for small hedgehogs. Hedgehogs get water. Not milk. Never milk. Only water.

Then came the question about cutting the grass. Why do humans cut the grass exactly when the hedgehogs have made it comfortable? I had to think about the mower, the Mähroboter. We do not let it drive at night, because then you cannot see where it goes, and that is dangerous for the animals. Our neighbour is a little bit different. When everybody says the earth is dry and there is no water in the garden, he puts the sprinkler on and makes his garden green like a golf place. But our garden is not a golf place. We do everything for the animals.

We have a Totholzhecke, a dead wood hedge. We cut the grass only every three weeks. We leave little places with clover and flowers so the bees have something to do. Near the terrace, where the hedgehogs eat, chives come up through the stones. Schnittlauch. We do not cut them because they start blossoming, and then the big bumblebees come. The big Hummeln push themselves into the flowers. I like that. I said to my wife, if a friend comes and does not like the garden like this, then it is his problem, not our problem. We do everything for the animals. We have birds, we have hedgehogs, we do something for nature.

The Mayor said the hedgehogs noticed that we say the garden is quiet, while they are having a very busy night. I thought, yes, but maybe they say, look, Ralf and his wife are sleeping, so we don’t wake them up. They are kind hedgehogs. They go through the garden, they eat, they look, but they keep the night soft. No loud party. Only small feet and noses in the dark.

There is one hedgehog who is a bit crazy. He must look under everything. Under the table, under the plate, under the things near our sleeping room window. Sometimes you hear klam-badam, klam-bam, klam-bam. Then I know somebody is investigating again. Maybe it is his hobby. Maybe he is the engineer among the hedgehogs.

Then the hedgehogs wanted to know why humans wear shoes outside, but hedgehogs have to walk barefoot with excellent spikes. I said, because hedgehogs are a little bit dirty. In the front they are eating, in the back they put their business outside. One hedgehog even made his business in the plate. But this is how they are. Garbage in, garbage out. They do not think, oh, I must be neat now. They have a small brain, and in that moment they are not thinking about good manners. If there is a little poo near the plate, maybe humans think it is a thank-you note. But no. It is only hedgehog life.

The Mayor asked about little lights in the garden. Why do humans put lights outside and then act surprised when hedgehogs inspect them? I said, I do not like lights in the garden. My wife has some LED lights, but for me they are too bright for the hedgehogs. Hedgehogs have small eyes. The lights are too high and too brightful. So when she switches them on, I go outside and switch them off. She has four little dog-foot lamps, solar battery, nice ones, but still I do not like lights in the garden. The Mayor laughed and said this is maybe reality TV for the hedgehogs: watching husband and wife debate about lights.

Then came the leaves. Why do humans collect leaves in bags when leaves are clearly perfect blankets? Again I had to say, we are not normal. We leave the leaves in the garden, because under the leaves are small animals, and other animals can eat them. One time my wife wanted to use the rake, der Rechen, and I said, okay, this is the first time, but the next layer stays on the ground. The next leaves remain. No wonder the hedgehogs like our garden. It is hedgehog-friendly.

Then they asked why we wash food before eating it, but then burn sausages on fire and call it barbecue. That made me smile because this is easy. Food can be dirty, so we wash it. But sausage is better when it is brown, or maybe a little bit black. It smells better. The feeling to eat it is better. A sausage from the fire, with a little bit of colour, this is not dirty. This is barbecue. That is culture.

The hedgehogs also wanted to know why humans talk to plants, cars, grills, and coffee machines, but then pretend animals are the strange ones. I said, I do not talk to coffee machines. I talk to hedgehogs. We have another feeding station in front of our house near the front door, because hedgehogs from our neighbour cross the street and come into our garden. There is a box where the birds cannot go inside. Sometimes when we come home late, a little hedgehog is sitting in there, and we say, oh, no problem, we go inside. We are the Brands here, but you can finish your dinner. The hedgehog waits, we go inside, and then everything is okay. Sometimes these are better conversations than with humans. But I am not crazy. Normally.

The hedgehogs asked why humans open the door, look into the dark garden, and whisper, “Is somebody there?” Of course somebody is there. I know this. We whisper because if we talk loud, they go away. If we are quiet, they wait. When we go back inside and it is dark again, they return to the food house. This is respect. You do not shout in a restaurant when the guests are nervous.

Then came the morning question. Why do humans hurry in the morning and then say they want a peaceful life? I said, I can tell the hedgehogs that I am not hurry in the morning. My wife is hurry. She works today at six o’clock, and then she drives to work and is there at 5:45. I say, why so crazy? You need maybe a quarter hour to drive to work. If you go five minutes later out of the house, it is not a problem. But this is her way. The Mayor asked how I explain this to a hedgehog, and I said I have a special phone to them. A little hedgehog iPhone. I ring them and say, I have no problem. My wife has a problem. The Mayor said maybe hedgehogs have an H-phone. Yes, exactly. Hedgehog technology.

Then they asked why I have so many tools when a hedgehog only needs a nose, four feet, and patience. I said, I have so many tools because the hedgehogs want new houses. They are lazy. They found somebody stupid enough to build houses, cut holes, make food stations, prepare the Totholzhecke, and look after them. But maybe they are not stupid. Maybe they are very intelligent. They found us. They found the restaurant. They found the sleeping places. Only with the eating and the business outside, nobody is perfect.

The hedgehogs wanted to understand holidays. Why do humans drive far away when adventure is already under the hedge? I said we cannot look at hedgehogs every day only. We need Tapetenwechsel, a change of wallpaper. Also, we go on holiday when the hedgehogs are sleeping, from October to April. For smaller holidays we have a nice neighbour who gives the hedgehogs food. So we do not forget them. We just go away when they are in their winter time, and then the neighbour keeps the Hungry Hedgehog Restaurant open.

Then came rain. Why do humans think rain is bad weather, when rain means worms are coming upstairs? First, I said, we do not like worms. And we do not like rain because the grass is wet, and the little hedgehogs get cold feet. We humans have umbrellas for rainy days, but not the hedgehogs. Then I thought, maybe I must buy small umbrellas for them. Hedgehog cocktail umbrellas. Maybe from Alibaba in China. A marketing opportunity. Not too small, maybe bigger than cocktail size.

The hedgehogs asked why we call the garden a mess when it is full of interesting smells, tunnels, leaves, and secret roads. I said, it is not a mess. I have no problem with the garden. My wife has accepted it too — maybe with a little grumbling, mit Knorren, but accepted. The garden is alive. It is not a showroom. It is a place where somebody is always doing something, even if we cannot see it.

Then they asked why humans put food in bowls for cats and dogs and then complain when everybody comes to the restaurant. I said, difficult. I do not like cats. But I like dogs. Humans put food in bowls because they do not want food on the ground in the house. Animals come with their feet inside, and it is better to have bowls. For us humans, it is also nice to go to a restaurant sometimes. Not every day, but one or two days in the week. You see friends there, you have fun, and it is good for the inner peace. Innerliche Glücklichkeit. You eat somewhere else, and your soul says, ah, good.

Then the hedgehogs asked why humans say good night and then keep staring into bright little boxes. At first I did not understand. Bright little boxes? Then The Mayor explained it must mean the television, or the phone. I said yes, because we need the bright little boxes for sleeping. When we go to bed and say good night, we do not sleep immediately. We look into the little bright boxes, and we hear and watch something. That is also not logical, but many human things are not logical.

Then came the rules. Why do humans make rules for everything — shoes here, cups there, tools in the right drawer — and then lose the car keys? I said, not normally. I do not lose my car key. It is always on the right side of my trousers, in the small pocket, the little pocket where maybe in old times a clock on a chain was. That is where my key goes. My wife does not lose her key either. She comes inside and puts it on the Schlüsselbrett, the key hanger. When she goes outside, she takes it from the key hanger. Easy. A good system is important.

Then the hedgehogs asked why humans become soft and quiet when they see a small animal, even if they were grumpy five minutes before. This I understood very well. Little animals put me and my wife down. Not down in a bad way, but calm. They bring everything quiet inside. They are so nice and sweet. I look at them and think, what does this little animal think? Then I come down and ask myself, why should I be grumpy? Where is the reason? You see a hedgehog, small nose, small feet, eating in the night, and the world is nice and good again. There is no reason to be grumpy.

The last question was maybe the biggest one. Why do humans need stories to remember that the world is alive? I said, we do not need stories, because the world is nice and good already. When we see our hedgehogs, we know it. Not all people, but many people are happy to see them, to make food for them, to give them something to drink when it is dry. Hedgehogs are on the red list, endangered animals, and that means we must look after them. For me this is normal. This is how you know the world is alive. You do not need a big theory. You only need to stand in the garden at night and see a little hedgehog pushing through the swing door to eat dinner.

The Mayor said it was well done. I said it was very difficult. But I understood what he was doing. He wanted to make the thinking playful. Instead of asking me serious questions about nature, humans, gardens, animals, and responsibility, he let the hedgehogs ask. That was clever. It pushed me, but in a good way.

And maybe that is the best way. Sometimes a small animal can ask a better question than a big person. Sometimes a hedgehog with a nose, four feet, and patience understands more than we do. And sometimes, when four grown-up people stand in the dark at 11 p.m. watching hedgehogs eat through a little window, you know: yes, the world is alive, and also a little bit funny.