He Pays, She Shops, and Somehow It Works.

Alexander and Julia have never formally agreed on most of their rules about money. They simply live them — one restaurant bill, Amazon parcel, shopping trip and pair of shoes at a time.

By Alexander and Julia, Germany.

The restaurant bill.

Julia.

When Alexander and I go to a nice restaurant, I never have to worry about what happens when the waiter brings the bill. I simply lean back, relax and watch the scenery.

Alexander pays.

There is no discussion about whose turn it is, and I don’t need to reach for my wallet. It’s just the way things work between us. Even if Alexander forgets his wallet, he can pay with his phone or his watch.

I like that arrangement. It’s easy for me.

Of course, there was one evening in Berlin when things weren’t quite so easy. We met friends at a restaurant called Sticks’n’Sushi, and the bill came to around €250. I hadn’t realised beforehand how expensive the restaurant was.

Alexander told me afterwards that it was much too expensive. I think his idea of a reasonable restaurant bill is a little lower than that.

Alexander.

I can’t disagree with Julia about the restaurant. I pay. That is completely correct.

I normally make the reservation as well. We talk about what we want to eat, decide where to go, and then I book the table. If we want to try a new restaurant, we simply go there. If it’s good, we go back.

For me, that’s very easy.

The evening in Berlin was a little different. I remember the bill, but during our conversation I was surprised to hear again just how expensive it had been.

Normally, I don’t worry so much when we go out for dinner. If we want to go somewhere, we go. But €250 is still €250.

Two coffees in a car park.

Alexander.

I paid on our first date too, although it wasn’t a very expensive date.

We met in a car park and had two coffees to go.

That was all.

It probably doesn’t sound very romantic, but I don’t see a problem with it. We didn’t have much time, and we wanted to see each other.

When I was asked whether I regretted that first date, I had to think about the English word regret for a moment.

But my answer was simple. No, I don’t regret it.

Why should I?

Julia.

I still think the coffee in the car park was perfectly fine.

Alexander and I had already known each other for many years, although not very well. His grandparents lived next door to my parents, so he wasn’t a stranger to me.

We didn’t have much time that day, but we wanted to meet. A coffee to go was enough.

I also knew something about Alexander’s attitude towards relationships. He is quite traditional and attached to old-fashioned roles. So when we started dating, I expected him to pay when we went out.

That didn’t surprise me.

It’s simply part of the man I know.

The packages arriving at our door

Alexander.

When I’m asked what Julia regularly spends money on that she doesn’t really need, I don’t have to think very long.

Packages.

For some time, I have had the feeling that a package arrives at our house almost every day. Sometimes it’s from Amazon, sometimes from somewhere else.

I don’t always understand what Julia needs all these things for.

But I have become used to it. And if she pays for something herself, that’s her decision. As I said during our conversation, it’s not my beer.

Julia.

I think Alexander’s description is a little unfair.

Yes, I order things online. But that doesn’t mean everything in those packages is unnecessary.

Sometimes I order ordinary household products. Almond milk is a good example. I’ve found that the same product costs around €3 in the supermarket but only €1.99 on Amazon.

Why should I pay more for exactly the same thing?

I’m not buying something ridiculous. I’m saving money on something we actually use.

And clothes are everyday things too.

I think Alexander sometimes sees the packages arriving without knowing what’s inside or why I’ve ordered them.

Alexander.

I have to admit that Julia has a point about the almond milk.

That’s a good example of sensible shopping.

But I still think there are other things we don’t need.

A new computer mouse, for example.

The €100 question.

Alexander.

When we were asked what we would do if somebody unexpectedly gave each of us €100, my answer was clear.

I would save it.

I think Julia would probably spend hers on the first day.

If somebody gave her €100, I could imagine her buying a new mouse for our new laptop.

But I don’t think we need one. I already have a very good mouse, and Julia has a mouse too. Mine is a working mouse, but it’s perfectly good for working.

For me, buying another one doesn’t make sense.

Julia.

Alexander is quite confident that I would immediately spend my €100.

But that’s not what I say.

I would actually try to save it too.

And if Alexander knows I’ve received the money, I think there’s a good chance he will save it for me anyway.

I have no difficulty predicting what he would do with his own €100. He would put it with the rest of his money.

Saving is something he understands very well.

He also does a little trading and investing, although I’m not always convinced that every piece of financial advice he receives is a good idea.

Still, I know that his first thought is to keep the money rather than spend it.

The weekends with the guys.

Julia.

Of course, Alexander isn’t the only person who can question whether something is necessary.

When I’m asked what he spends money on that I don’t really understand, I think about his trips with the guys.

They already meet regularly on Mondays. And then there are sometimes weekends away, including overnight stays.

I don’t always understand why those extra trips are necessary, especially when they see each other so often anyway.

Alexander thinks he hasn’t been away very much this year.

I remember the previous year a little differently. There were quite a lot of weekends.

Alexander.

I think Julia is being a little unfair about the trips.

This year, there have been much fewer of them. I remember Mallorca, but not very much else.

One trip isn’t so much.

I know that Julia doesn’t always understand why the weekends are necessary. But for me, spending time with my friends is something I enjoy.

I can’t really complain about her shopping without allowing her to have an opinion about my weekends.

We simply have different ideas about what is worth spending money on.

Five pairs of shoes.

Alexander.

I think the best example of my attitude towards money is something that happened shortly before our conversation.

I was considering buying a new pair of shoes for a trade fair. They were very comfortable, but they cost around €150.

My sister-in-law had found a place where I could buy them. She told me I should try them on because the sizes were a little unusual.

I thought about it and slept on it for one night.

The next day I decided not to buy them.

For me, €150 is a lot of money, and I don’t really need another pair of shoes. So I saved the money.

When I was asked how many pairs I already owned, I counted them. Five pairs, including my football shoes, everyday shoes and winter boots.

I think that’s enough.

Julia.

For me, the shoe question is very easy.

I would buy them.

Alexander has found shoes that are comfortable and useful for his work. He spends time at trade fairs, so I don’t see why buying a suitable pair is such a problem.

But Alexander prefers to save the €150.

When I was asked how many pairs of shoes I own, I didn’t give a number. I wasn’t even sure myself, and I thought it was rather a mean question to ask while Alexander was sitting beside me.

He has five pairs.

I have more than five.

That’s probably enough information.

Shopping together, but separately.

Alexander.

There is one household arrangement that I particularly like.

We have developed a very good system for grocery shopping. Instead of doing one enormous weekly shop, we go more frequently and buy smaller amounts.

Julia goes into the supermarket.

I stay in the car with our son.

For me, that’s perfect. I don’t particularly enjoy shopping, and our son is quite happy sitting with me listening to Paw Patrol or Bobo Siebenschläfer.

He is relaxed, and I am relaxed.

Julia does the shopping, and afterwards we all go home.

I think it’s a very good solution.

Julia.

I agree that our system works, although I wouldn’t describe grocery shopping as something I go into the supermarket to enjoy.

Our son is very active, and taking him around the shop isn’t always easy. It’s much simpler if Alexander stays with him in the car while I buy what we need.

I normally have a shopping list with the essential things. Then I ask Alexander what he wants to eat and buy the rest.

That part sometimes creates another problem.

Alexander doesn’t always know what he wants.

And somehow, we always come back to chicken.

Chicken with chicken.

Alexander.

I have noticed that we eat quite a lot of chicken.

Chicken with something.

Something with chicken.

Sometimes it feels like chicken with chicken.

Julia has become more interested in healthy food, and I think our meals are getting a little repetitive.

But when she explains her side of the story, I have to admit that part of the problem is mine.

When Julia asks what I want to eat, I often can’t think of anything.

I’m not very creative with meals.

Sometimes I have a complete blackout and can’t remember another dish.

So I tell her to choose.

And she chooses chicken.

Julia.

I don’t think the chicken situation is very complicated.

I’m happy to cook something else. I can even cook two different versions if necessary.

But I need Alexander to tell me what he wants.

I ask him, and he often says that I should choose.

So I choose.

If he wants something different, that’s fine with me. I don’t only eat chicken. I’m happy with other kinds of meat and other meals.

The problem is that Alexander doesn’t always have an idea.

I can’t choose something he wants if he doesn’t know what that is.

The household zoo.

Julia.

Some of our household responsibilities have never really been discussed.

The animals are a good example.

When I was pregnant, Alexander took over cleaning the cat litter tray. There were health reasons for that, so it made sense.

But afterwards we never really talked about changing the arrangement.

Alexander simply continued doing it.

And it isn’t only the cat. We also have turtles and other animal responsibilities.

I think our little zoo has more or less become Alexander’s department.

Alexander.

That’s correct.

I started looking after the cat litter tray when Julia was pregnant. Afterwards, the responsibility stayed with me.

It isn’t something we need to discuss every week.

I just do it.

But that doesn’t mean all the unpleasant household jobs belong to one person. When our son was a baby, for example, we shared changing nappies.

For me, some responsibilities are simply practical. Somebody has to do them, and we’ve found a way that works.

The holiday budget

Alexander.

I don’t always need to be the person controlling the money.

When we went on holiday to Croatia with a large group of family and friends, we used one communal budget.

There were about fifteen of us. Each family paid money into the common pot, and the money was used for food, drinks and everyday shopping.

Somebody else managed the budget.

I was completely relaxed about that.

For our family, I remember paying around €200 for the week. Everybody had breakfast, lunch and dinner, and on the last day we even received some money back.

I think that was fair.

And it was easy because I didn’t have to organise the shopping myself.

Julia.

I liked that arrangement too.

It made the holiday simple. We didn’t need to keep going to the supermarket or discuss every little purchase.

Other people in the group took care of the shopping and the money.

For me, it worked very well.

It’s interesting because Alexander normally likes to keep control of his finances, but on that holiday he was happy for somebody else to manage the communal budget.

Sometimes it’s simply easier to let another person do the job.

The €10,000 question

Julia.

When we were asked what we would do if we unexpectedly received €10,000, I didn’t have to think for very long.

I would save it.

We’re planning our home, and that amount of money could make a real difference.

Alexander sometimes thinks that I want to spend money immediately, but there’s a difference between buying everyday things and receiving a large amount that can help us with something important.

For me, €10,000 belongs to the second category.

Alexander.

My answer is the same.

I would save it.

I know that I sometimes appear a little boring when it comes to money, but I have reasons for being careful.

I want to save for our son. I also think about the future, when Julia and I are older and eventually retire.

I don’t know exactly what we’ll need then.

And I don’t feel that I need very many things now.

If something is really necessary, I buy it. But I don’t see a reason to spend money simply because I have it.

That’s why I didn’t buy the shoes.

Christmas is different.

Julia.

Christmas is one area where Alexander and I still need to find a better arrangement.

I love Christmas, but I know that it isn’t always easy for him.

There are many family celebrations, birthdays and presents. It’s a very busy time, and Alexander doesn’t particularly enjoy all the preparations.

I think we might need to change some of our traditions in the coming years.

The children are getting older, and there might be more children in the family in future. We can’t necessarily continue doing everything exactly as we have always done it.

I want to find a way that makes the period a little easier for Alexander.

But I also know that he has married into a family where Christmas is important.

Alexander.

Christmas is difficult for me because there are so many things happening.

It isn’t simply about buying presents.

There are parties and birthdays, decorations and preparations. Sometimes I have to move furniture, prepare the house and organise things before everybody arrives.

Julia can organise Christmas, but that doesn’t mean I can just sit down and relax.

I still have work to do.

When we talk about changing the traditions, I’m not sure what we can actually remove.

We can’t cancel somebody’s birthday.

We can’t cancel Christmas.

So I don’t immediately know how to make it easier.

Julia is more open to changing some of the arrangements, and perhaps that’s something we’ll have to discuss.

The rules that work.

Alexander.

When I think about all the things we’ve discussed, I can see that Julia and I have quite different attitudes towards spending money.

I prefer to save. I like knowing that money is available if the family really needs something.

Julia is more comfortable buying things that she considers useful or worthwhile, even when I’m not always convinced.

But we’ve also found plenty of practical arrangements.

I pay when we go to restaurants. Julia does the grocery shopping. I look after the animals, and I stay with our son while she goes into the supermarket.

Some of these arrangements have developed without us ever making an official agreement.

For me, most of them work quite well.

I still don’t think we need another computer mouse.

Julia.

I think Alexander and I understand each other quite well, even if we don’t always agree about what is necessary.

He is careful with money, and I know that saving is important to him.

I like shopping, but I don’t think every purchase is unnecessary. Sometimes buying something makes everyday life easier, and sometimes it’s simply a better deal.

I don’t always understand the weekends with his friends, just as he doesn’t always understand the packages arriving at our door.

But there are plenty of things we don’t need to argue about.

I know that when we go to a restaurant, Alexander will pay.

He knows that when we need groceries, I’ll go into the supermarket.

And when he can’t think of anything he wants for dinner, I know what I can cook.

Chicken.

Again.