You Can Ask. I Can Say No.

At two o’clock in the morning, the music stopped at the Crémant Festival in Cleebourg. For many people, that was probably the end of the evening.

At a village festival, around a fireplace and over thirty apple trees, Fabrice discovers that curiosity depends not only on the question, but also on who is asking it.

For me, it was time to open the barbecue.

I had expected about eight people. In the end, there were twenty-one. We continued until six in the morning. I went to bed, woke up at eleven and started the barbecue again. On Monday morning, I went back to work.

It was perhaps not the most obvious beginning for a conversation about curiosity, but it gave Janita plenty of questions.

She had never heard of the festival. I explained that Crémant is a sparkling wine and that the event is organised by the local brass band. There is music, local food, a large tent and many people sitting together. The weather was good, and I was there with friends.

Janita wanted to understand what happened at the festival and why people went there. These were simple questions, but they opened a real conversation. That is important to me.

A Good Question Needs Somewhere to Go.

When Janita asked what kind of questions I enjoy, I had to think about it.

For me, the subject should be interesting to me or to the other person. It does not always need to be one of my own interests. I like music and history, but if somebody is interested in cycling, for example, I can ask questions and learn from that person.

A good question gives us something to discuss.

“How many degrees is it today?” is a question, but the answer may be very short.

“Two degrees.”

“Okay. It is cold.”

After that, we need another subject. We cannot easily continue for half an hour.

Curiosity is different. Curiosity means that I really want to understand something. The question should lead somewhere.

Who Is Asking?

Then Janita asked when a question becomes too personal.

For me, the first question is not only what somebody is asking. It is also who is asking.

Is it my wife? A close friend? A colleague? Somebody I have just met?

The closeness of the relationship changes the question. The intention also matters. A direct question is not automatically a bad question. I can be direct myself. But if I feel that a person is asking with malice, or simply wants to irritate me, I react differently.

When I meet somebody for the first time, I usually have an impression after two or three minutes. That first impression may be wrong. After five minutes of conversation, I may change my opinion.

But when something does not feel right, I become more closed. I may decide not to answer. I may explain that the question is not acceptable. Sometimes I simply leave.

That is also an answer.

Janita put it very clearly. People can ask her anything, she said, but that does not mean she will answer everything. If a question is too personal, she will say no.

I agree with that.

You can ask the question. The answer is another matter.

From Heating to Romance

The conversation itself soon gave us a practical example.

Janita had explained that it was winter in South Africa and that the temperature had fallen to two degrees. We began comparing the ways we heat our homes.

She uses a movable gas heater and blankets. In my house, we have underfloor heating and a fireplace.

This was still a normal conversation about winter.

Then The Mayor became curious.

He asked whether my wife and I sit together on a carpet in front of the fireplace during a romantic evening.

I said no.

Janita immediately said, “Let’s leave it there.”

The truth was practical: we do not have a carpet there. We have tiles because of the underfloor heating.

But the subject had already moved from heating to my marriage.

The Mayor then asked whether I am a romantic person.

I said that perhaps I was romantic many, many years ago. Apparently, I also started to become red. The Mayor was quick to point out that it was not because of the heat.

He then asked how I had met my wife.

This was now a very personal question. But I decided to answer it.

Flowers and Thirty Apple Trees

I had known my wife earlier because I once helped with a move. Afterwards, we lost contact for several years.

When we met again, we began talking. She later invited me for dinner.

I brought flowers.

I also brought many apples.

Janita wanted to know why I had arrived with so many apples. The answer was simple: I had about thirty apple trees. When you have thirty apple trees, you have a lot of apples.

Perhaps the flowers were more romantic. The apples were practical.

That first dinner was in November 2011. We married about six years later.

The questions had gone quite far into my private life, but I had continued answering. Nobody forced me. I could have said no at any point.

This is why it is difficult to make one fixed rule about personal questions. Sometimes a question surprises me, but I answer because I trust the people in the conversation. At another time, the same question from another person may feel completely wrong.

When It Is Dangerous Not to Ask

Curiosity is not only about private life. Sometimes asking questions is part of being responsible.

Janita asked whether it can be dangerous not to ask.

Yes, it can.

At work, or in another situation where something may become dangerous, it is better to ask one time more than one time too little. When an instruction is unclear, asking again is not a weakness. It may prevent a mistake.

Even something simple, such as getting lost, shows this difference.

When I am alone, I normally continue searching. I think I will find the right road today or tomorrow. In the end, every road goes somewhere.

When my wife or other people are with me, I ask for directions more quickly. Then I am not responsible only for myself. Other people are depending on me.

The question has not changed, but the situation has.

The Answer Belongs to the Other Person

So, how curious is too curious?

I do not think there is one answer.

It depends on the relationship. It depends on the intention. It depends on the moment and on what may happen if nobody asks.

A direct question can still be respectful. A personal question can sometimes begin a good story. An uncomfortable question may even be necessary when safety or responsibility is involved.

But the person answering must always have a choice.

You can ask me a question. I can decide that it goes too far. I can explain, make a joke, change the subject or simply say no.

And sometimes, because I trust you, I may tell you about the apples.