Therapy for the Alarm Clock

An interesting idea emerged from a meeting we had today: “Therapy for the alarm clock.” Now, you are probably leaning back, sipping your coffee, and wondering why on earth a mechanical object would need a therapist. Well, think about it—everybody hates the alarm clock.

Whether it is set to wake you up at dawn for the school run or to drag you out of bed for work, the dreaded thing always starts its little singing and dancing ritual exactly when you don’t want it to. And the second it goes off, you are forced to ride an immediate, involuntary rollercoaster of emotions.

Anger comes first. Why do I have to get up right now?! I need more sleep! Then comes the regret. I really should have gone to bed earlier last night. Finally, sadness washes over you because you actually have to leave the absolute sanctuary of your warm, comfy bed to “embrace the day.” Honestly, the only thing I want to embrace at 6:00 AM is my pillow and my duvet!

The Daily Body Check

As you finally swing your legs out of bed, the mandatory morning body check begins. You scan from bottom to top, assessing the daily damage:

• The Feet: Freezing. Absolute ice blocks. Where are my slippers? You slide them on.
• The Knees: Ouch. Stiff. Just walk it off, Janita, just walk it off.
• The Back: As you take a step, it hits you. What on earth did I do to my spine yesterday?
• The Arms & Elbows: They feel fine… until you try to lift a laundry basket or a heavy kettle, and suddenly a random elbow decides to lock up.
• The Neck & Head: Today? Yay! The neck is actually moving and the head doesn’t hurt. But the eyes are burning and probably bloodshot from a lack of sleep.

Other days, it’s the exact reverse—the head hurts, the neck is a brick, but the eyes are perfectly fine. I have officially come to terms with this daily lottery. I call it the “wrong side of 30-something.”

I know, I know, age is just a number. It’s the other lifestyle variables that stack the deck against us—stress, late nights, a chaotic schedule, not enough exercise, and those cozy but entirely disruptive nights sharing a single bed with my husband, a seven-year-old, and two very space-consuming dogs. It is not easy. But even with all of that, the ultimate villain remains the alarm clock.

The Winter Slump

Our school year here in South Africa kicks off in January. The first term is great—it’s peak summer, the sun is blazing by 5:00 AM, and waking up is relatively easy. Then we get that short holiday break in April. But when the second term starts, winter begins slowly crawling into the house.

Cooler mornings and later sunrises are manageable at first. But by late May and June? The sun decides to sleep in, the thermometer plummets, and the morning routine becomes a literal cry for help. The kids start waking up later, the dogs refuse to get out from under the blankets, and I hate my alarm clock with a passion because I dread waking up before the sun has even bothered to show its face!

We push through it all by clinging to one single, glorious thread of hope: the winter school holidays. A whole month with no 6:00 AM alarm. Of course, the clock will still start its little dancing ritual eventually, just a bit later in the morning. It will still be hated, it will still be dreaded, and the daily body check will still happen—we just get to delay the misery by a few hours.

The Evolution of the Beep

Most of us use our smartphones these days, but I distinctly remember having one of those classic, black electronic digital clocks as a child. The aggressive, metallic BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! it emitted was enough to drive any sane human completely insane.

My phone today isn’t as loud or as harsh, and I try to make it more fun by setting an actual song to wake me up. But let’s be real—the second a song becomes your alarm, you grow to absolutely despise that track within a week. It’s still annoying, no matter how melodic it tries to be.

So, I think we have stumbled upon a brand-new career path here, and I am entirely confident that AI wouldn’t be able to take this job over. We need professional Alarm Clock Therapists. Someone needs to stand up for these poor devices, listen to their trauma, and provide the necessary therapy to keep them sane. They spend their entire lives being smacked, cursed at, threatened, and shoved under pillows. If we can just keep the alarm clocks happy and well-adjusted, maybe—just maybe—we would feel a little happier when they start screaming at us in the dark.

Tomorrow is another try. But for now, I’m setting my alarm to a song I already hate, just to save my favorite tracks from the 6:00 AM curse.